I can see you here. It’s no use hiding so no funny games, ok? How absurd of you to creep in, and attempt to elude sanity. But as it is, I know who you are, racing far ahead, grappling with what you see to be true. I can do much better than you. I can conjure up images, slamming my eyes far away into the 2-year-old me drawing with muffin-shaped crayons. I can draw in vivid thoughts the blues, reds and purples that will be at my wedding. In shady lighting, I can see that my funeral will be full of laughter and stories of all of my ridiculousness. In calm yearning, I can see myself, who’s aged, bend over picking one glass shard up after another and place it on a board, inventing, and changing its narrative of what once was. I can do these things myself, knowing and letting them go in order to drift ever so more into life unbounded, into new ideas and into being present to Now.
So, dear one, of you who I once sought so often, and batted my eyes at to no avail, why? Why so sudden? Why have you come to return my glances, my homemade gifts left for you in crevices even I didn’t know existed? Is it that I’ve slept so seductively with Now that you realize you’ve missed your chance?
I’ve changed. Even I can’t recognize my-years-ago self, who would stare in timid thoughts at a clay lump, wanting more than anything to reach out, and sink my hands into its soft wetness, but not knowing exactly how to lift my mind to live. Without your help or cautious touch, I’ve created a reality, beyond which I knew could be expected. I’ve made my own golden ticket out of morning mugs, red journals, and laughter found deep within soil’s swaying trees, deep within the rapid growth in Spring from here to there. I’ve given up on your whimsical prance. I’ve refused striving in compulsion and stress. I no longer need to know exactly what will be in perfect expectation whilst living in overwhelmed intimidation of your shadow.
We can make a deal though. I do appreciate you and value your input. What about going for drinks during happy hour? It is all I can offer you. We can meet up, but you’ll need to buy the drinks, chips and salsa. Let me know if you’re interested. Next Thursday would work best.